Last night saw us say goodbye to Marcella, an Italian friend of Nessuna’s over at di cavoli e di re. Sitting at a cafe off Republic Square drinking beer and vodka, Marcella said that she had written something to post on Nessuna’s site about sex and gender in Armenia. Today, the first post on sex is up and ready to read on Nessuna’s blog.

“Would you really have sex with an Armenian guy?” asks Lilith after minutes of silence.

“What would you do with him?” she adds, interested.
Silja looks at Mélanie embarrassed.

“What do you mean? I don’t know. I’m not having sex with any guy who knocks on my door, you know?”

She feels weird, she only made a remark… and what’s all this interest? “What would you do with him…what a stupid question” Silja thinks…especially asked in that way as if Lilith really didn’t know what one could do…

“I don’t know. Why? Do you do it differently here?” Silja finishes her sentence, laughing.

“No, well, I guess no. Just wondering. Just because here you don’t really go to bed with guys like that…do you really do it in your countries?”

Silja is speechless.“What do you mean? That you wait to get married or what?” Silja can’t stop laughing, even if she’d prefer not to.

Mélanie is older and tries to be the mediator.

“Well, it depends Lilith, it can happen to have casual sex with a guy. But this does not mean that is well seen or that people have something against it either. It depends, it happens. But usually people have sex before getting married, unless they’re really religious…but even then…it’s normal if you have a boyfriend to sleep with him.”

“Normal? What do you mean normal?”

“That people do it”

“The fact that people do it does not mean that is accepted. Here some do it, but people say that no guy will ever marry you if you’re not a virgin.”

It’s something I’ve always wanted to touch upon on this blog, but never have because I’ve always felt that women should be posting about such issues in this still very patriarchal society. It’s also important to deal with such issues because nobody truly knows what is happening in society here, and of course, Yerevan is very different from the regions.

Instead, ask someone here about sex and they’ll tell you that the whole of Yerevan is doing it. Ask another and they’ll tell you that Armenia is still very traditional in its values. Ask another, and they’ll give you another perspective — usually one saying that everything is hidden in Armenia, especially from parents and sometimes even future husbands.

“Yeah, I mean, people do it here too. Traditionally they are not supposed to, but then there are all these surgeries to, you know, rebuild…how is it called…you know…”

“Hymen”

“That. Well, lots of women go to get surgery to have it back. And there is this surgery that lasts three days…”

“What do you mean three days?”

“Three days, so they can get married without their husband knowing that they were not virgins. The problem is that a lot of men know about this surgery, so sometimes they wait four-five days before having sex with their wife…just to make sure…”

Mélanie is impressed, Silja is outraged.

“What? Don’t they trust their wives?”

Lilith shakes her head “well, you know…reputation…”

“And then there is like a party to show the sheet…”

Silja can’t believe it. “Oh God! That’s disgusting, can you imagine that?”

“But, you know” Mélanie adds, not everyone bleeds… for example I didn’t bleed and I know when I lost my virginity!”

Anyway, it’s hard to say what the situation is. On the one hand, some people say that many Armenian guys first sexual encounters are with prostitutes. Among more traditionally-minded guys they’ll date a girl, but not have sex with them, and instead sleep with girls they’ll never marry both before and after wedlock.

Contrasting with this situation, I know some girls aged 22 who either say they will remain virgins until marriage, but only because they do not want to upset their parents by breaking cultural traditions. On the other hand, other girls the same age who aren’t virgins do everything to make sure their parents don’t find out.

Regardless, the main point is that some girls will remain virgins until they marry while others will not, and interestingly, this is not the main issue that concerns Marcella. Instead it’s the fact that “innocence” can often be equated with ignorance, and in the area of reproductive health this can be devastating.

Mélanie is impressed too, but mainly by Lilith’s ignorance, which she knows is not typical of girls of her age, even in a traditional country like Armenia. She wonders what this may depend on. Maybe if there is not education given by school or family and girls are shy and prudish, they end up not knowing anything…People should just be informed; nothing against traditional values, but knowledge allows choice and avoids trouble…

Last night, and in her blog post, she even said that she’s encountered some girls in Armenia who believe that there is no HIV/AIDS in the country. Obviously, this is dangerous, and not least since there is, and very often it’s migrant workers who come back from Russia to infect their wives.

“Here people mostly use condoms. But they do it for not getting pregnant. Also because there is no Aids in Armenia.”

“Aids is everywhere. And you know, there are many other diseases that are sexually transmitted. Some may not be as deadly or as dangerous, but this does not mean that it’s nice to have them…!”

And to make the matter even more complicated, the level of prostitution is extremely high in such a small country as Raffi at Cilicia.com coincidently posts today. Factor in the huge phenomenon of trafficking and it’s difficult to work out what going on at all here. Obviously, it’s a matter of choice and people shouldn’t criticize anyone for whatever they decide.

However, there is also the need for some more open discussion on the matter, especially in the area of reproductive health, and I do find it somewhat hypocritical that men are allowed — and actually expected — to do whatever they want, while women are not. This extends to many other areas of life in Armenia so Marcella, perhaps that’s worth a post in itself.

Incidently, there’s some stuff I posted on youth, HIV / AIDS and STIs in Armenia here, here, and here. Marcella’s post in full can be read here.